if the erotic lies within me, it is a flame that grows or weakens depending on whether or not I can strip myself raw and confront myself. i am a strong woman. i am capable of blinding the world, of creating what i want, but i must establish a rhythmic routine and ritual for myself. there is a difference between productivity and setting yourself up, training yourself, to learn something. i will not thrive unless i attack my laziness, wrestle with it, shape it into something else. i have to find those small pleasures in writing, exercising, reading, drawing, working, and creating. but i also have to find that energy which fuels me, find that feeling that makes everything right, and that pushes me to be curious and hungry.